


Hippos Go Berserk!: The Movie

by Orichalxos, squeequeg



Category: Hippos Go Berserk! - Sandra Boynton
Genre: Gen, Screenplay/Script Format, Summer Blockbuster, Up To Eleven, What Is This Thing You Call Subtlety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-01
Updated: 2011-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-14 07:14:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/146753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Orichalxos/pseuds/Orichalxos, https://archiveofourown.org/users/squeequeg/pseuds/squeequeg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This Yuletide, it starts with one phone call.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hippos Go Berserk!: The Movie

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kass/gifts).



> One hippo, all alone  
> calls two hippos on the phone.  
> Three hippos at the door  
> bring along another four.  
> Five hippos come overdressed.  
> Six hippos show up with a guest.  
> Seven hippos arrive in a sack.  
> Eight hippos sneak in the back.  
> Nine hippos come to work.  
> ALL THE HIPPOS GO BERSERK!

VOICE OVER: This Yuletide, it starts with one phone call.  

 _SCENE: A flickering computer screen with a blank document on it. Pull back slowly to reveal OUR HERO staring at screen, head in hands, obviously stressed. With shaking hands, she dials a number on her cell phone and says:_

OUR HERO: I thought I was just signing up for a story. I didn't know...  

 _CUT TO: Split-screen, showing the two people on the other end of the line, played by John Barrowman and Charlize Theron._

OUR HERO (over phone): ...how much trouble I could get into on my own.

 _Barrowman and Theron look at each other and nod._

 _PANNING SHOT of Theron, Barrowman, and Our Hero frantically doing research, tossing books, DVDs, and papers everywhere._

THERON: It's just a thousand words! How hard can it be?

BARROWMAN: You know, I get asked that so often --

THERON: Not right now, John.  

VOICE OVER: One simple signup was all it took.   

 _CLOSE-UP of Our Hero opening a small box marked "CANON."_

VOICE OVER: But now, matters are spiraling out of control.  

 _SFX: Doorbell rings._

 _Theron and Barrowman look at each other, then at Our Hero._

BARROWMAN: Please tell me you ordered a pizza.  

 _CUT TO: A front door slowly swinging open to reveal three men in black.  The one in front is, of course, played by Hugo Weaving.  Weaving scans the now-empty room, then touches his Bluetooth earpiece._

HUGO WEAVING: We're going to need some backup.  

 _CUT TO: Four commandos, led by Paul Giamatti, dropping out of a helicopter._

GIAMATTI: Why do you always have to drag us along on the nasty jobs?  

 _BRIEF MONTAGE: Our Hero running from explosions, clinging to the side of a bridge, leaping into the river below, interspersed with (for no good reason) Barrowman and Theron eating ice cream cones._

 _CUT TO: Our Hero holding Giamatti at gunpoint._  

OUR HERO: Tell me what's going on!

GIAMATTI: Right now, kid, there's just one thing that can help you.  

 _CUT TO: An ominous, empty room -- marble floors, high vaulted ceilings, the works -- lit only by the flickering lights of nine computer screens._

GIAMATTI (voice over): It's called the Beta.  There's a lot of people looking for it.  The government, for one.  

 _CUT TO: Five marines in full-body armor, led by Nathan Fillion._

NATHAN FILLION: I do NOT want to HEAR another complaint!  I do not want to hear "sergeant, isn't this a little too much!"  I do not want to hear "but my ass is chafing!"  You will wear what you are given and you will REMEMBER that in this kind of situation there is no such thing as OVERDRESSED!

OTHER FOUR MARINES: Sir!  Yes sir!

GIAMATTI (voice over): And that's just the least of it.  There's someone else...and he's already on his way here.  

 _CUT TO: Gary Oldman in full Evil Guy mode, flanked by three bodyguards on either side.  Hugo Weaving comes to meet him.  Oldman looks inquisitively at him; Weaving shakes his head._  

HUGO WEAVING (voice over): I've heard him called many things, "the Beast" being the kindest of those names.  As far as you or I am concerned, though, he is simply...our guest.  

GIAMATTI: The long and short of it is, you're in way over your head.  

 _CUT BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN:_

 _SCENE ONE: Corporate boardroom. Gary Oldman and his six bodyguards face Our Hero, who is currently tied to a chair._

OLDMAN (sitting in high-backed chair, steepling fingers):  You want my advice?  Give up now.  Default, go home, curl up and pretend this didn't happen.  

 _and SCENE TWO: The five Marines, accompanied by Barrowman and Theron, piling into a big camouflage canvas bag._

BARROWMAN: This is never gonna work.

FILLION: Shut up and get in the sack with me!  

 _back to SCENE ONE:_

OUR HERO:  I can't do that.  Someone's depending on me.  

 _back to SCENE TWO:_

 _The large canvas sack sits in the foyer of an office building.  Giamatti, dressed as a bike messenger, approaches the front desk._

GIAMATTI: Can you sign for this?  

 _back to SCENE ONE:_

OLDMAN (turning away): That's just too bad for you, then.

 _He steps out of the boardroom; quick pan down the hall to an elevator.  Its doors open to reveal the Sack..._

 _JARRING CHORD FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSIONS._

 _ACTION SHOTS of the Weaving and Giamatti teams rappelling down a building and sneaking, ninja-like, into a heavily guarded library._

OUR HERO (voice over): Tell me how to find the Beta.

FILLION (voice over): We can get you in, but then--

 _OUR HERO reaches the room with the nine screens.  She removes her night-vision goggles, disconnects her rappelling cord, plugs a laptop into the library's system, and begins to type. The words crawl across the screen..._

FILLION (voice over):-- then you need to ask them for help.  

 _Words on laptop screen: IRC CHAT_

<hip1>: I need a hippo!!  

 _All nine screens go dark, then simultaneously flare brilliant, lighting up the room._

<theNine>: WE ARE HERE.  

 _(Slow-motion shot of nine ass-kicking experts striding into the library. Casting suggestions include HELEN MIRREN, SIGOURNEY WEAVER, NATALIE MORALES, ANNA TORV, GINA TORRES, MIRA FURLAN, MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ, etc.)_

MIRREN: We hear someone's looking for the Beta.  

 _CUT TO: The Nine kicking ass and taking names, followed by a brief moment's respite at a café._

OUR HERO: So, uh, why are you called "hippos"?

MIRREN: Oh, it's a long story. Started with a game called Die Anstalt, I believe.

 _(A massive explosion goes off in the café, sending shattered glass and muffins everywhere.  Our Hero ducks; Mirren doesn't even flinch.)_

MIRREN: But we're not here to fill you in on the whole history.  We are here to work.  

 _MONTAGE of explosions, car chases, kittens, and a random shower scene, cutting at last to the top of a skyscraper.  Our Hero, wounded and alone, staggers away from Gary Oldman, who advances slowly and menacingly._

VOICE OVER: This Yuletide...

GARY OLDMAN: You really think you can ask for help now, at this late date?  No one's out there.  No one can help you now.

VOICE OVER: ...one hippo...

OUR HERO (takes out a cell phone): Let's test that theory.

VOICE OVER: ...is not all alone.

 _A helicopter rises just past the edge of the skyscraper.  The Nine Hippos lean out of it, weapons (and/or knitting needles) aimed directly at Oldman._

VOICE OVER:

**HIPPOS.**   
**GO.**   
**BERSERK.**   
  
  



End file.
